This post is one day late.
Today, May Day, is a celebration of desire, of the sacred yearning of earth for sky, trees for air, fire for wood, flesh for flesh. As my emotions continue to flow out from my recent retelling of the full narrative of when my father molested me, desire has come through amidst the pain, pleasure and pain all tangled together like silk sheets and barbed wire, like water and poison. One of my tasks is to simply allow these emotions to be, as they are, in the wide open circle of clear eyed acceptance; another task is to learn to separate them, to strain out the poison, to unravel the lies, to dispel the trap he put me in. Both of these approaches are needed for my ultimate goal of reclaiming the sacred birthright of my sexual pleasure.
My father’s act of abuse twisted my desire in at least two ways. First, he literally told me that he was raping me because I wanted it; this victim-blaming burned the message into me: desiring men is dangerous and they will hurt you if they know about it. Of course, I didn’t actually want my father to have sex with me; it was his own desire, displaced, pushed away and bottled up by continuing internal violence and then projected onto me, that he saw reflected in my eyes. He made his illusion into a self-fulfilling prophecy though, touching me in ways that brought both pleasure and pain, forcing me to touch myself in those ways. This is the second way that he twisted my desire, wrapped it up with violence and sealed it with black waxy hate. By turning the natural pleasure of my body against me, he severed my natural trust in my body and made my inborn joy into something to fear, something to watch lest it betray me, something to push down and run away from, screaming, a monster.
These dynamics are, unfortunately, hardly uncommon. Many abusers intentionally inflict pleasure on their victims. One effect this has is to bind the victim and abuser together in a netherworld of shame and silence; my father told me that if I told anyone, they would know that I was a faggot and blame me for the abuse. Although I know now that any basically aware person would never ascribe responsibility for an adult’s abuse to their five year old victim, I did not know this when I was a five year old.
This is what my experience has been like, remembering: waves of pain, pleasure, and deep discomfort, feeling turned on and then scared and wounded, “I don’t want this to be happening,” and a voice responding, angry, forceful, my father’s voice inside my head, “Yes, you want it, you dirty faggot.” And the fact that, in a way, I did enjoy it creates emotional confusion, “Maybe he was right,” and of course that’s what he wants. It’s no accident that my father’s rape made it nearly impossible to trust myself, my own perceptions, my very reactions, my very flesh and bones, the world itself. If something so shattering could appear out of nowhere, how could I know for sure that walls would not melt, that teeth would not jump out of shadows to bite me, that anyone could be counted upon as safe? When I was a few years older, I had a persistent daydream that everyone in the world but me was an alien and they would revert to their monstrous, blobby forms when I was absent, assuming human shapes only when necessary to disguise their true nature from me. I imagined that there were secret sensors hidden under the floor tiles in our kitchen, in the stone path in our backyard, to alert the aliens to my approach. These fantasies made me feel anxious and slightly sick, but I felt compelled to create them. Yes, one of the reasons I write speculative fiction is because my own childhood felt unreal, because the only metaphors strange enough to bridge the as-yet-unremembered trauma, to bring as many of the fractured pieces of me as close to back-together as possible, came from science fiction and fantasy, horror and mythology.
Now, after memory’s return, I am trying to take this view: although my father should never have been sexual with me, the pleasure I felt was not intrinsically bad, anymore than the deer’s hunger for the poisoned salt lick is intrinsically bad, or the explosive exuberance of the minerals in gunpowder, though it may be used to kill and main and oppress. No, the pleasure I felt was part of that vast holy river, that rolicking orgasmic flood spreading out from the Goddess’s first orgasm, the Big Band, spreading out through time and space to create worlds and galaxies, spinning clouds and trees and fish and you and me. As I allow myself to feel all of my emotions, to inhabit all of my heart and mind and body once more, I release the pain and shame, the lies and distortions of my father and I reclaim my pleasure, my sex, my connection.
I am the kiss between earth and heaven
I am the song between sky and ground
I sing for myself
And for the world we’re making
Nothing is lost that can’t be found
